This was originally posted on DeadJournal, but . . . well . . . I don't know why I was so shy about posting here to begin with. Just is really personal, I guess. ._. vandigo, I just figure that I haven't hidden anything from you this far so . . . why start now?

Okay, so I rant about Vandy about as much as I rant and rave and bitch about Jess . . . but this is HARDLY my fault. I blame Vandy for getting to me.

I just don't understand HOW she does it. I mean, she started out as just this really awesome friend from livejournal that I met through another friend and Jrock and then the next thing I knew, I was falling for her. So here I'm going 'HOMGWTFBBQ WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?' And then I finally tell her and she was just all '8D' <<< no, seriously . . . that's the face she used. And then a couple weeks after I told her, she said 'I love you too' out of virtually NOWHERE and explained she doesn't say that to any of her friends when I asked. She said she only says it to the ones she has some kind of feelings for. And then everytime she told me she loved me I was all torn between "ZOMGSQUEE" and "oh fuck".

I mean, there's a LOT more to it than just that. Everytime I felt confused and torn about how I felt about her, she'd talk me through it and assure me that everything was FINE and that she was okay with it. And she'd even mention that the situation wasn't ENTIRELY hopeless and that I shouldn't give up. It was always the "we'll see" factor.

I don't know what's happened in the recent months. It's like all those barriers and that 'just friends' thing seems like it's GONE. Even her friend, David, mentioned it to me. [BTW for the context of this, he posted a picture on his lj and I left a comment and we were more or less joking around].

Fusion: Go fap to my pictures. I won't tell your girl V.
Me: MY girl? Pfft.
Fusion: Well she's not MINE.
Me: She's not mine, either.
Fusion: You two sure don't act that way.

He's not the first person to mention that. People say all the time "you know, with half the conversations you tell me about, I'm surprised you haven't come out and told me you guys are dating." And they do have a point. I mean, I tell Vandy I love her at least ONCE every single day whether it's through a lj comment or whether I text her or even call her. I always say it at LEAST once, but I say it several times a day most of the time. And if, somehow, I forget to say it first, she ends up saying it first, sometimes. I mean, Ashley's been my friend for YEARS and I've had a crush on her for about that long and I'll tell her I love her often (not meaning it romantically out of respect for her and personal boundaries I set ages ago), but it's not an every day thing. And that's pretty much the same with all my other friends. Vandy's REALLY the only one I've ever gone out of my way to say "I love you" to. Ever. And then when she says it back, it makes me like . . . all stupid happy. You know that giddiness you get for no reason? That's stupid happy.

And then she makes me genuinely happy as well. Like, I can be upset on the surface, but knowing that she cares about me and that she's just THERE gives me a kind of inner peace a lot of the time. I can't even HESITATE to say I love her. Or that I'm in love with her. With everyone else, even Ashley, there's always been that hesitation to say 'in love'. And yet, that hesitation doesn't apply here.

I think back to a lot of the things I've talked about with Vandy. Like when I told her that nothing would probably happen between us and she told me that she WANTED something to happen. And then when I told Vandy I was giving up on her and then right after that, the shit with Jess happened. And then Vandy ended up telling me, 'you didn't blow your chance with me. I'm willing to give it a shot, and it doesn't matter what you do between now and then.' And then how I didn't see the visit happening and her insisting that it will and that SHE will make it happen. Finally, most recently, tonight . . . which more or less spawned this mess of a post. I filled out a survey on LiveJournal that she read (she usually reads them whether they're five questions or a hundred, it seems).

Why are you not going for the person you want?
Because I have this belief that she is FAR too good for me . . . and I haven't met her in person yet. By all accounts, though, part of me still believes she can do better.

With that answer, I didn't mention that I don't really CARE if she's too good for me at this point . . . and then her response and our little conversation.

Vandy: *squish* whos too good for who is all relative, its feelings that really matter in the end.
Me: *shrugs* I still believe it. Whether or not I care at this point is another story.
Vandy: *snuggles* I still love you, no matter what.
Me: *squish* I love you too. So much.
Vandy: *beepsnuggle*

It's the I still love you, no matter what that got me. I've spent HOURS crying over Vandy. More than she or Sakuya or ANYONE will EVER know. I mean, Vandy wants a sex change because she's ALWAYS wanted to be a guy and I was one of the first people she told that. Sakuya mentioned 'well, you're a lesbian so can you REALLY support Vandy in the sex change she wants and still want her on that level?' I cried for days after he asked me that and thought about it. I finally found an answer. I can and WILL support Vandy with whatever the fuck she wants because I don't care what happens as long as it makes her happy. I've realized that I'm not in love with HER. I'm in love with VANDY and, in the end, Vandy's gender means shit to me. But I got off track.

The "I still love you, no matter what" statement . . . that's not the first time she's said something of this nature, though it has been VERY few times. But, just like every other time she's said it . . . it makes me realize that she really does love me and all my insecurity about this is entirely over nothing. And it also makes me realize all over again as to exactly how much I really love her and how I can't even be afraid to say it anymore. Her saying that she loves me no matter what has me crying. And she said it over an HOUR ago.

You know that saying "I love them so much it hurts"? That's not the case here. Because it doesn't hurt anymore. It really doesn't. Sometimes, it's overwhelming, to say the least . . . but it doesn't hurt. And I think that Vandy knows me about as well as Sakuya does.

Maybe things REALLY can work with her, in the end. With the turn everything's taken from "we'll see" to "you guys act like you're dating already," it might.

Even if it doesn't work out, Sakuya's right. We wouldn't stop being friends over something like that. And, in the end, that's the least I could ask for because it seems nigh impossible to live without her there at this point.

Okay . . . Coconut's done rambling about how love-sick she really is. I mean it, when I fall, I fall HARD. *dork*

I never thought I'd see the day where I'm self-conscious on LiveJournal.

Maybe now that I've said all those things . . . it's out of my system.